Bad Poets Anonymous

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The world is crawling with bad poets wasting good paper.  There is no cure.  You will always be a bad poet, unless you get better.  You waste time and money on training, but it is unlikely to work.  You keep trying.  Once you admit you are a bad poet (denial is rampant) you must stop writing altogether.  This is difficult to do and has an extremely high relapse rate.

Take this test.  If two or more apply, you have a serious problem with bad poetry:

l  You have at least one poem in a vanity press.

l  You were told to get a job with Hallmark greeting cards.

l  You were told your poem was “cute.”

l  You cannot tell the word weeds from the accidents which are actually good.

l  The weeds take over completely and you don’t know it.

l  You start speaking in cliches.

l  All the journals you were in went out of print.

l  Your children read your writing in front of you for amusement.

l  Your friends beg you to stop reading poetry to them.

l  Your friends pay you to stop reading poetry to them.  (This may prove to be profitable.)

l  Your audience at poetry readings starts snoring.

l  You turn your writing over to a higher power and it gets worse.

l  Poetry teachers you pay have no patience with your work.

l  The other bad poets have no patience with your work.

l  The other bad poets won’t come over for a free meal.

l  You check the definition of hypergraphia.

l  You vow to stop writing and cannot do it.

l  You are redundant and keep repeating yourself.

l  You throw in the name of Greek gods to try and impress the literary community.

l  You totally forgot who these Greek gods were.

l  You reassure yourself that writing bad poetry is not destructive.

l  You reassure yourself that you cannot be destructive while writing bad poetry.

l  You have all the how-to poetry books; they look pretty on the shelf.

l  You start taking elocution lessons.

l  You experiment with new fonts and graphics hoping this will help; it doesn’t.

l  You take up jogging (knitting, cooking making jewelry etc) hoping it will distract you from your writing; it doesn’t.

l  You try to hide all the journals from your friends, but they find them anyway.

l  You scrawl illegibles in books you lend to friends.

l  The time you spend writing  interferes with the rest of your life.

l  You research twelve step programs for bad writers.

l  You try to write a twelve step program for bad writers and fail.

l  You develop a self deprecating sense of humor.

l  You perfect a self deprecating sense of humor.

l  You remain a fool with a pen.

ImageNever give up.

~ by dianeklammer on June 7, 2013.

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